Never say ‘good-bye…!’

“Tomorrow we meet the same then, dearest?
May I take your hand in mine?
Mere friends are we, - well, friends are the merest

keep much that I resign..."

- Robert Browning

“I don’t think we can have a future!” her voice was cold, but firm. I didn’t know how to react to this. Suddenly I saw all my dreams shattering down like a house of cards. Her words were nothing new to me, have heard these words countless times over last one and a half year. But this time around, I didn’t really expect a repetition of the same.

Her words still ring in my ears, “why are you doing like this? Don’t you know we are incomplete without each other?” I knew it, and I still believe, we are incomplete without each other. She is someone whom I understand more than she herself does; I can read through her eyes what exactly she is feeling deep inside her heart. Her presence makes life worth living; her smile can infuse life in to a dead soul. Yes, this is my friend, a friend who doubles your happiness when you are happy, and a friend who brings your smile back when you are sad, a shore where even sea comes and rests in peace.

This is no fairy tale, not set at the backdrop of a breathtaking European location or withering maple leaves. This is a small piece taken out of the pages of my life. Tried to tear these off quite a few times, but some unknown force held me back every time. One of my friends would always say, “memories… good or bad, always hurt”. Now I realize how true he was, especially if that memory is leaned to a soft corner of your heart.

We met when, I guess, we both needed each other. We had our respective setbacks in life, were searching for a shoulder to cry on, found each other sailing on the same boat. There was some chemistry, which got us along in no time, and could not even realize when we had become indispensable parts of each other’s lives, yes, a bit dependent as well. I would rather say, our bad times brought us close and closer with every passing day.

We come across many people in our lifetime, but only a few manage to leave a mark on our hearts, likewise, there are certain moments, which become the moment of a lifetime. There are some moments which life captures in its frame without even your knowledge. Often my mind hovers over the moments that I spent with her. The fights we would have on almost every small issues, the laughter we would share on every stupid joke; walking down holding each other’s hands in a drizzling evening, hitting the shopping street on a Saturday afternoon; a sip of cold coffee from the same mug, or even, catching up for movies… what not!

We have been torn between friendship and love, ended up losing everything – even the basis of our relationship – our friendship. Perhaps, we both had taken each other for granted in our own respective ways. We thought we were destined to be together; we won’t lose each other come what may. I knew my love for her has been one sided, but still deep inside my heart I had, rather still I have the belief that someday she would also feel the same. I often would tease her, ‘give it your best shot, I bet you can’t live without me!’ She would always affirm it, ‘yes, I can’t live without you!” The warmth of her expression would make me so confident that I could not see my boat sinking when it was just a few inches away from the shore.

I still could not make out what refrained her from comply with my wish. I thought everybody dreams of finding a very good friend in his or her spouse. Where there were trust, understanding, compatibility, mutual respect - everything that play the role of a catalyst in developing a feeling called love. She says she can’t live without me, but at the same time she is not willing to live with me even. There is a very thin line between friendship and taking that particular person as more than a friend, but I guess, it was not that thin for her. Probably it was thick enough that she did not mind forgoing with her relationship that she would share with her best friend. Well, probably I could have saved this relationship had I been a bit less selfish, and searched my happiness in hers. But it was easier said than actually done.

During last two and a half years, I have seen two different ways getting merged together, but I guess it was meant to cover a short distance only. Any kind de-merger or detachment carries some amount of bitterness with it. And this was no exception. In Browning’s words…
“Escape me?
Never… beloved!
While I am I, and you are you,
As long as the world contains us both -
me the loving, and you the loath
while the one eludes, must other pursue..."

I wish I could play Browning’s Hero - a rejected lover who discovered for him the all-sufficing glory of love in itself during his ‘Last Ride Together’ with his ladylove. I wish life was a silver screen where people often do away with bidding ‘good bye’ to the people they love. Whenever we would talk over phone or would chat online, before signing off she would say ‘bye’, and I would always reciprocate by saying ‘never say good bye!’ Ironically, ‘bye’ is the last word that I uttered when we spoke for the last time. I fell just a few inches short, but perhaps, those few inches were more than enough to ruin a beautiful relationship. Yes, I would say it was a beautiful relation only, we had moved beyond friendship, but lost somewhere in between very good friends and more than friends. I had to pay the price of falling in love with a very dear friend of mine… a very dear price!

~ O ~